Awkward Handshakes

Kids today. Too many handshakes if you ask me. Back in my day we had one handshake for the lot of you…crazy kids and your drugs.

I’m not “with it.” For example, handshakes. It’s too complicated. Makes my head hurt, and causes much unneeded discomfort for my brain and for my soul.

Life was much easier when there were three handshakes: the strong handshake, the “eh” handshake, and the dead or dying monkfish handshake. That’s it. They’re all done the same way. Each participate looks at each other, preferably in the eye, unless one party has a glass eye, in which case it might be considered impolite to stare. Both parties goe for the kill with their right hands, unless one party has a hook right hand, in which case he probably also has a glass eye, in which case you probably shouldn’t be shaking his hand anyway, because he’ll kill you.

But if it’s a normal situation and both parties have the proper extremities then it’s only right to shake firmly, manly, like Bear Grylls would do. Your status in life is deciphered solely by this process, and it’s really not difficult.

Now all has changed. As far as business is concerned, yeah, the standard handshake should suffice. As far as coolness is concerned, it’s a whole new ballgame. You got the fist bump, the fist bump with the “mock explosion at the end,” (according to Yahoo Answers). You got the handshake that starts by connecting the space between the thumb and the pointer finger. You got that handshake with an added “slide.” You got that handshake with the slide and then an added snap. You have a standard handshake followed by the slide. Of course, you then have the standard handshake with the slide and the snap. Don’t forget the fist bump preceded by an exchange of up and down fist bumps, one after the other. There’s also the always easy, but sometimes strange, slap. And then, of course, if you’re all about the early 90s, you can add the “mock explosion” to that. Or a good ol fashioned high five.

Sometimes it gets really interesting and you can combine almost all of the above and add your own little shindig, but those are usually special circumstances involving parties who are perfectly comfortable with their mutual coolness. For example, there could be some jumping up and down, singing, headbutting or kicking.

I also forgot to mention that many of these handshakes could be followed by a full-hug, a semi hug or a little bump.

It all makes my head hurt. I asked my roommate Josh, a self-described handshake expert, how to know when to do what handshake. “It’s all about the level of friendship,” he told me. “What about the bouncer we always see at the local bar,” I said. “I don’t know,” he replied.

Apparently, this knowledge is innate. Your either born with it or your doomed to awkward handshakes. Somehow, some people are able to walk around to various levels of friends, and both parties magically know which handshake from the list is appropriate.

You might say, “Well, that’s because one party takes the lead from the other party.” True, I’ll give you that. But, there’s so little time! You need hockey goalie reflexes for the handshake. But if one party goes for the fist bump and the other whips out the thumb-pointer finger job. Oh…my…God.

Awkwardness is taken to a new level. “I thought you were my friend?”

“I..I…I am.”

“Then why did you go for the fist bump? Am I trash to you?”

“No, I thought it was OK…”

“You thought wrong. Get out of my life.”

My example involved two decent friends. But what if you’re just acquaintances? What if one person goes for the regulation, firm handshake, and another attempts the handshake-hug. Then the person going for the hug can’t back out…it’s too late…there’s no time, the die has already been cast. So he tries to pull back, slam on the brakes, and….the result is a slight tap of a chest bump with the other hand ricocheting into his groin. Oh dear.

Matters like the one I just mentioned don’t need to happen, kids. Life was so much simpler back in dickedy-aught-two. It’s a scary world out there…so many mini explosions it’s like a war zone.