The General

I was sitting on the couch, watching Game 2 of the basketball finals and basking in the utter lack of air conditioning that our living room provides in 99 degree heat (even at night), when I notice an object jumping from the corner of my eye.

It must have been a bug. So I go in for a closer look and point it out to roommate Adam. We both agree it is a grasshopper and he grabs toilet paper for the kill when it jumps to the floor and shimmies under the TV stand. So it’s gone for the time being. It looked big to be a grasshopper on closer inspection, but no worries.

So we watch another 15 minutes of the game when I see something poke its head out from under the TV stand and scutter across the floor. Hrmm…that’s definitely much bigger than a grasshopper, I thought. And then it took a turn for my room. “Son of a bi…”

We both got up and made a run for it. Unfortunately, the fact that the bug ran into my room was reminiscent of one of those movies, when the murderer/escapee vanishes into a maze hedge garden. Immediately, the chaser stops, looks around and knows the fleer could be anywhere, and he would need the help of a trusty chainsaw.

When I finish wearing my work clothes I place them in a pile to the left of my bed, in order to separate them from the other regular laundry and separate them from the work clothes ready for another wear. The clothes pile up over time, like any pile has a tendency to do. Unfortunately, I split a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 guys and I’m in the small room. Let’s just say there’s not much space to spare for piles of laundry. And then there are the other random piles representing shoes, old printer equipment, and my trusty pile collection, of course.

The bug jumped into the maze and we pursued with shoe and toilet paper in hand. Then I saw the black thing hopping over some clothes. I hit it with my shoe. I hit it again. I hit it again. Then it ran away.

Upon closer inspection, this was not a grasshopper. This was a roach. But you know how people always go around saying, “Why, I saw a cockroach the other day, it must have been the size of a Volkswagon!” And then everyone chuckles. Well, ditto to what he said.

And then it ran behind a desk, and we were left with nothing. “It might be lying dead somewhere,” Adam said. “You hit it pretty good. It should at least be really hurt.”

Let’s just say that didn’t leave me with solace. It didn’t look hurt when it triumphantly responded to my blows by speeding away and grinning. After waiting five minutes for any signs of movement, we retreated back to the basketball game.

But I was in no mood for basketball. The emperor of cockroaches was lurking somewhere in my room, and there was NO way I was getting to sleep that night, knowing that it could just be sitting on top of me, staring at me while I slept and plotting my demise.

So I took the only logical course of action: I went with the chainsaw/or hedge clippers (use whatever analogy you please). I started removing the piles from my floor. And it wasn’t pleasant either, knowing that the roach could leap out with each lifting of a shirt. Finally, the last of my piles was comfortable removed, and my room looked, well, good. Thanks cockroach!

But still, no sign of the beast. I gave up again and went back to watching the game with Adam, still quite distraught knowing I wouldn’t be sleeping. Then…a movement. Something crawled in my room. I jumped up, grabbed the shoe and there it was. I smashed it a few more times and…it got away. Adam ran in…”Where did it go?”

“I don’t know.”

“I thought you just saw it.”

“I did.”

But it vanished. Adam left the room again and then I bumped into my computer chair. I jumped back as the roach flew, not leaped, flew, with wings and all, from its camouflaged position on the chair to the floor. I yelled as I saw it, missed it with a swipe, and then became exceedingly frustrated. It went behind the desk again. As I turned around, Adam said, “I got it!” as he continued to smack it over and over and over and over.

It looked dead. It wasn’t moving, it was turned over on its back in all of its gruesomeness. It’s elusive, winged self was now twitching from time to time. Although I felt kind of bad I said, “Let’s flush it before it gets back up.” So we did. We threw it in the toilet, and watched it swirl around and down…and kept watching for another two minutes. And then we dropped a grenade in there for good measure.

I called my girlfriend Leslie after to tell her what happened. She took some entomology (study of bugs, not to be confused with etymology, the study of words) classes in college and listened to my characterization of the creature. She said it was probably not a cockroach but a “water bug.” I didn’t know what a water bug was, but I was sure that didn’t sound as gross or bad as cockroach, and whatever this was deserved a much worse name than water bug. Water bug sounds like something you can smile at while fishing and possible pet. This was an enormous hideous looking monstrosity…with wings!! It was the perfect bug. We initially thought it was a grasshopper because of its deft movements and unusual abilities…so, I’m gonna call him General Ugly. That seems like an appropriate name.

Well, that’s my story. So are the trials of living in the city when it’s 100 degree weather, the perfect breeding ground for mutant bugs. Big bugs must have caused terrible PR for Volkswagon.