Herbs

Picture yourself in 6th grade. You get into a scuffle with some kid, and then you get into a diss-off. A good old-fashioned diss-off. Maybe one of you makes a mom joke and the other most probably also makes a mom joke. But then your opponent goes, “Oh yeah, well, well you’re a herb.”

A herb…What were we thinking? When did that ever mean anything? Were people named Herb really dorky back in the day? I’d feel awful for a kid unlucky enough to be named Herb. Some kid yells out: “Hey herb!” And Herb is like, “Why yes! Did someone call my name?” And the other kid’s like, “No, I called you a herb.” And then Herb hangs his head and goes, “I hate myself.”

If it wasn’t meant to be a reference to the name Herb, then it could have originated from the botanical product or drug. And the hilarity of the situation derives from the  de-silencing of the “h.” Saying “erb” is not funny, I don’t think. But when troublemaking, slick teenagers convolute the word and make it their own, all hell breaks loose. Not only is it hilarious to mispronounce the word, but the act of mispronunciation unleashes potent powers. By inserting an “h” the conveyer of the word releases a world of uncoolness on the poor victim.

Out of curiosity, I did what any self-respecting herb researcher would do, and I took a look at Urban Dictionary. I found this entry to be quite enlightening:

Insult synonomous with loser but can have multiple negative connotations. Pronounced “HURB” with no silent ‘h.’The term was popularized in upstate New York and spread from there.
The word herb has nothing to do with marijuana.
Guy 1: Yo, I saw Melvin in the bathroom crying because he got a 93 on the math test!
Guy 2: Word? That kid is a total HERB!

See, now I had no idea the term was born in upstate New York. That makes me that much prouder to be a New Yorker. Poor Melvin, though. But I’m still not satisfied with the definition…let’s try this one:

used by rapper esoteric, in the song herb. pronounced like its spelled, no silent h. it doesnt mean weed or drugs, its a term for someone who follows trends, or just is a complete bullshitter. basicly one of those kind of people that nobody likes.‘

yo you a herb, if you say you rhyme off the mind
but your hype mans backin up every single line’

‘you a herb, if you steal out the tip-cup
if you still wear a hat with the visor flipped up’

See, now that’s the kind of definition I was looking for. People who continue to wear hats with the visor flipped up are herbs. I realize the term has somewhat fallen out of use since 6th grade, but now it has meaning, substance. I think it deserves to come back. That is my edict.

So I’m gonna proudly wear my ultra wide JNCo jean’s to work tomorrow, walk up to the first guy with a popped-up visor I find, and call him a herb. Hopefully his name isn’t Herb.