I know I said I would only write short, concise blog posts, covering one topic for each one so that I don’t infuriate my readers with mindless awfulness. But I lied, and you should never listen to anything I say. Anything!
First things first. Purell smells bad. That’s right, I said it. Not only does it smell bad, but it’s going to cause our extinction as humans. Not only is it going to create a world of germophobes, but it’s going to deplete our immunity to diseases and before we all know it, we’re all dead, and Purell is just gonna be sitting there, laughing.
Second, my editor Anne mentioned something this morning about Sue Simmons. So I’m like, “What happened with Sue Simmons” (even though it is my job to stay up-to-date with all news). Apparently Ms. Simmons was on the air, but she believed she wasn’t, and she thought it would be hilarious to yell at poor Chuck Scarborough: “What the — are you doing?” Chances are, little kids throughout New York were doing their homework, finishing their little algebraic equations, and then Sue “The Ogre” Simmons decides to ruin their lives. They were probably frozen in front of their TVs with their mouths wide open for hours, until their parents had to tase them.
Speaking of tasing, that brings me to my third topic. I never had any idea what people were talking about when they said “Don’t tase me, bro.” Because I’m ignorant and what not. But that YouTube clip with the kid who was tased by the police is the funniest thing possibly ever. I wanted to tase him myself he was so annoying, but luckily, the police beat me to it. “Help! Help! What are you doing!” They’re tasing you, that’s what they’re doing! Maybe if you shut up they wouldn’t continue to tase you.
Fourth, I just saw the Fantastic Four movie on TV. I feel so bad for that rock guy. Everyone has cool powers and they look normal. But he’s a rock! A giant rock. But his name is Ben, which I must say is an appropriate name for a rock. Wherever he goes, he is a rock. He walks into a diner for breakfast, “Sorry, no rocks.” He tries to wear a suit, “Sorry, this suit is not meant for rocks.” Of course he couldn’t get the power to turn into fire or fly throughout the world and get with all the really hot women…he got to be a rock. A rock named Ben.
Fifth, we just turned on Man vs. Wild and Bear Grylls is hanging out with a remote tribe. Do you think Bear had to ask them to hang out with them? “Excuse me, can I video tape you making me look really manly so I can make more money?” And they just look at him confused with their loincloths. But Bear’s not the first to do this sort of thing. There’s another show on Discovery Channel called “Going Tribal” where they tape these tribes. I wonder how much these tribes know about the rest of the world, and if they know they are on TV…and if they knew so, would they be really pissed. But seriously, in this day and age, how could you possibly stay so secluded…it’s quite impressive.
Sixth, what’s the deal with “.net.” Sites on “.net” must be so lonely and scared. So I wikipedia’d .net, and I found something far more interesting; .net comes in third in terms of domain popularity, behind .com (obviously), and .de. Pardon? Allegedly, .de is Germany’s domain. So .net was beaten out by Germany.
Seventh, an embryonic twin was removed from a girl’s abdomen….gross.
I hope this blog entry was enlightening…if you made it this far, my apologies.
You accomplished the same thing with this long post that you set out to do with your several smaller posts. As long as you don’t try to tie everything together with some Meredith Grey-esque cliche, you’ll stay true to your purpose of inane random musings.
PS: The most appropriate name for a rock would probably be Peter.
This is really dumb…but I was still waiting for you to tie the picture of the burn victim back to possibly some guy who had just thrown out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium after being awarded the Silver Star in Iraq.
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