Office Bathroom Part 1-Getting to the Bathroom

There comes a time in every blogger’s life when he must shed all dignity, and discuss bathroom awkwardness. Sure, this blog is read by my coworkers, and my boss, and my parents, and my grandparents, and other family members…but this must be done. Not only do I lack another topic to write about at the moment, but a blog should portray my life…and the bathroom takes up a significant part of my daily life.

Let me preface this by saying I go to the bathroom a lot. I don’t have the best stomach, but more importantly, I’ve been on a water kick for the past few months. Every day, I make sure to drink one of those gigantic waters that should seemingly only serve the purpose of a weapon. And sometimes, I might even go over to the water cooler, and fill that baby up again. I also take credit with spreading my ingenious giant water plan with coworker Adam. Now everyday he, too, drinks at least one, and bystanders may get lucky and witness us race. Because that’s what adults do.

Of course, about a week after I started drinking my 1.5 liter water with the hopes of upping my energy and improving my overall health, a study revealed that it’s probably not healthier to drink such large amounts of water.

Nevertheless, I’ve plodded on. I’ve reached the point where I actually have to drink water. Somehow, I’ve become addicted to water. But I don’t ask questions, I just drink, and go to the bathroom.

Every hour, at least. At least! Often, the 1.5 liter sends me there every half hour. And sometimes that’s every half hour while holding it in. But I consider this to be a good thing. My job, like most jobs I’m sure, requires a lot of sitting. Going to the bathroom gets me up and moving around–preventing a blood-clot induced pulmonary embolism like you hear about on planes.

My frequent urination worked like a charm for a few weeks, and then, out of nowhere we get office bathroom keys. My days of worry-free strutting to the bathroom were over. Now the door was locked, and I had to plan ahead. What if I really, really had to go, but both keys were taken? What if one of the lawyers next door stole our keys? But more importantly, now I had to make one more stop before making it to the bathroom (granted it’s right on the way, but this was a lot of stress).

The stress got to me…I had been working for 9 months and then a key suddenly comes into the picture. I became forgetful. I would pick up the key, go to the bathroom, come back and sit in front of my computer. What did I forget? No bother…

So five minutes later an angry co-worker would come up to me…”Josh, have you seen the bathroom key?” After reaching into my pocket, I would hand him the key with my head down.

Let’s just say this situation has happened an ungodly amount of times. Now the situation is a little different. Now, coworkers simply walk up to me and stick out their hand. I give them the key.

One time we went out for happy hour. At about 10 PM I reached into my pocket to get my cell phone. I felt my cell phone of course, and I felt my apartment keys, and I… I felt another key. “Anyone have to go to the bathroom,” I asked. This happened a few more times–I would notice the presence of the key once I arrived at the apartment.

Sorry to write so many words on the bathroom. Or getting to the bathroom for that matter. Stay tuned for Part 2 when I actually arrive in the bathroom!