First of all, let me just congratulate all my viewers on the performance of my previous blog post. The day after I wrote “Milk Baths With Eliot Spitzer” pulled over 165 views, demolishing my previous record of 135, and my standard daily total of four. I can either attribute this success to Eliot’s Spitzer’s universal intrigue, Gouverneur Morris’ universal intrigue, or the general appreciation of milk baths. But chances are, my parents are simply telling more and more random people they meet on the streets that I write a blog.
Second of all, I would like to concern this blog post with apocalypse and the global destruction of all mankind. The instant my blog takes 165 people (note: more like 50, considering a number of viewers probably clicked on it 10 times) away from whatever productive task they are doing to 1,000 words about prostitutes, milk baths, Gouverner Morris, Eliot Spitzer and the Roman Catholic Church, it is quite obvious the end is near.
But more specifically, I was watching the History Channel today, as I am apt to do, and I came across the show “Mega Disasters.” In other words, I spent not one, but two hours mesmerized by the planet coming to a close as result of 1.) Earthquakes and 2.) methane oceanic explosions. I’m sure many of you are familiar with earthquakes, while methane oceanic explosions may only concern a few of you on a daily basis.
I found the earthquake show to be fairly lame. The episode explored what would happen if a 7.0 earthquake occurred in Manhattan. Clearly, this would not be good. But surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad relatively speaking. After watching the first five minutes of the show I was hooked, because an earthquake of that magnitude in Manhattan would have to be the most horrible thing imaginable. Yeah, there was a lot of damage, but on the whole, I figured most of our high buildings would collapse, millions would die, and the city wouldn’t recover for…well, forever. Nope. The damage would be monumental, but the death toll wouldn’t be as high as you would imagine (I don’t think they gave a number, but I got that feeling from the show it wasn’t that bad, just financially costly). The Empire State Building would withstand the force, thanks to superb engineering. And there would be a lot of fires.
But the coolest thing I learned from the show was this: New York City and Westchester County were really close to being part of Africa way back when. Apparently, we used to have one big continent called Pangea about 250 million years ago. Northwest Africa fit like a puzzle piece with the Northeast U.S., and well, Westchester would be a very different place today if things went a certain way. The Jewish population of Algeria would be quite high.
Don’t get me wrong, the earthquake in New York City would be not good. But the next show put everything in perspective. What in the heck is a methane oceanic explosion anyway?, you may ask. It’s only something that will one day annihilate all of mankind as we know it in a slathering of fire and water, that’s all. Here’s the deal, in the most unscientific way I can gather from the hour-long show: methane may build up at the bottom of the ocean due to dying organisms or something like that, and become increasingly agitated in stiller water. Like Champaign in a bottle, the methane would rise up through the water and bubble up at the top turning to gas. Normally methane, as a gas lighter than air, would rise up into the atmosphere, no questions asked. But, the oxygen from the ocean would keep the gas close to the water, and it would create large pockets of gas that would join together through a domino effect.
Soon enough this would cause massive tsunamis along all the coastlines, turning cities upside down, wiping out buildings and people. Water levels would rise throughout the world and cities like New York would go under. But wait, that’s not the bad part! Remember those oceanic methane gas bubbles? Well, let’s say one of them caught fire via lightning or something, it would cause a fireball to ripple throughout the ocean, eventually burning cities and towns to the ground, and setting peoples’ hair on fire. Conclusion…most of the world would be dead, with parts of the world barely surviving, and hair everywhere would be scorched.
Before we all go on a witch hunt against methane, the show often brought up the point that this is the controversial theory of one professor from Northwestern. The show really did stress how this one guy is such a black sheep. I wonder what that must be like…do they get really mad? Can one scientist challenge another to a duel? (see blog entry on dueling). Plus, this guy is a chemical engineer, and it was a big deal that he was infringing on the territory of the environmental change/natural disaster scientists. Like, if the “cool” natural disaster scientists saw this guy on the street, they would give him a painful wedgie, and then hang his underwear from the nearest flagpole.
Whatever the case, if this nerd is right, forget about an earthquake in NYC, we’ve got bigger problems on our hands. Since this blog entry is so long already, I won’t go into much detail right now about my preconceived “main point” of this blog. The fact is, the History Channel knew it was going to bring in big viewers with a show called “Mega Disasters” about earthquakes, tsunamis and methane eruptions.
We can’t get enough of apocalyptic scenarios. As much as we don’t want them to happen, we’re all curious as to what would occur, and how the end would happen. Humanity has always had a fascination with its own doom. I believe there have been approximately 9.8 million religions developed with the sole idea that the apocalypse is around the corner. And oddly enough, they’re somewhat disappointed when that doomsday doesn’t come.
As much as we want the world to, you know, be around for our children and our children’s children, it would be wicked cool if the end happened in the current generation, right? Take the Millerites in 19th century America. Miller said the end of the world was coming and he picked a date…hundreds of people joined him. The date came and went, the world was the same way it was, and everyone shook their fists angrily at Miller. Eventually, the group came up with a brand new doomsday number! But there was no apocalypse. Everyone was sad.
Why were they sad??!! No death to humanity is better than death to humanity, I think. No matter. I remember watching a few shows on Nostradamus. At the end of each show they would always say: “When does the great prognosticator predict our demise??” (scary music). “Experts say tomorrow!…but they also say, if not tomorrow, then definitely sometime soon!!!”
I guess if we’re around for the final apocalypse, it’s like getting box seats to the greatest show ever. But personally, I think alien invasion would be much more interesting then oceanic methane explosion. Oceanic methane explosion would be like, really though?? Oceanic methane explosion?? Plus, if there were an alien invasion, we’d have Will Smith around to be our savior.
Captain Steven Hiller: “Oh, no. No, you are NOT shootin’ that green shit at me!”
I know a bit about methane gas, too. Shocking, I know. Like you, I am a big fan of the “learning” channels - specifically Discovery. I watched a show about the Bermuda Triangle and how they attribute the random lost ships and planes within the Bermuda Triangle to it being a region with lots of methane gas buildup. When the methane gas bubble rise to the water surface and into the sky it distorts the boats ability to float and the planes ability to fly. It also explains why most missing ships and planes from the Bermuda Triangle didn’t use distress signals - it happens too fast! A boat can literally sink within minutes, same with the plane - it’s immediate. Well, there’s some more interesting methane gas knowledge for ya.
That’s how they do at Northwestern!
No you are wrong planes crash in the Bermuda Triangle because there are magnetic fluctuations between north and south poles which confused the pilots and caused them to lose their positions and eventually run out of gas