Mo Problems

Here’s the deal. I forgot my power cord at work today and I only have 32 minutes to write this blog before my laptop shuts off and sets on fire. Therefore, this blog will be a race against time. I hope this excites you as much as it excites me…it’ll be just like Indiana Jones, if Indiana Jones were a nerdy blogger…and instead of being chased by Nazis and boulders, he will be competing against my Macbook Pro. You may be wondering then why I am wasting so much time explaining the situation to you, when I could start writing my “actual” blog and save time. But where’s the fun in that…

I suppose I should start with my blood test. For those of you who read my previous blog post, there was a chance that I was pre-diabetic. Or, the strength of my psyche could have overpowered my blood test results, boosting my sugar level, and tilting the charts in favor of the diabetic camp. It was the latter.

What can I say? Blood tests really freak me out. The results showed that my sugar level was normal (albeit high normal, but in the normal range nonetheless). So, with the clock running out, I figure this is the perfect time to talk about some of my other medical problems.

In the last post I mentioned two: high blood sugar and a goiter. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I’m not sure if I have so many problems, or I just think that I do. There’s a good chance I developed the same hypochondria from my mom. But then again, I guess that classifies as another problem.

My back. Oh what an awful back. I have scoliosis, which is the “curvy spine” syndrome. Luckily it’s not that bad. But unluckily, my Indian back doctor added another back ailment to the menu: I also have kyphosis, the “hunched back” syndrome. One day I could very well be the hunchback of Notre Dame, though less evil. So when I was in high school the back doctor was like: “Okay, you don’t need to get braced yet, but you do have to do these extremely embarrassing and hilarious-looking back exercises every night.”

Every night I’m supposed to bend over, stretch my neck back as far back as it can go, and lift my arms up. I can’t even describe it because it shouldn’t make anatomical or physical sense. You can ask my college roommates, you can ask my current roommates, and you can ask my girlfriend…it looks completely ridiculous. And you’d think the previously mentioned people would get used to it after a while. Nope. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do the back exercises in front of anyone without spontaneous laughter. You may ask…Josh, why don’t you do the back exercises by yourself? Well, here’s how I figure it. The back exercises are very boring. They involve repeating the same thing for about 15 minutes at a time. So I choose to do it around other people, to lessen my sadness…and maybe, just maybe, I’m so used to having other people laugh at me, that it just feels right.

But for the people at work, no, I will never demonstrate the exercise in the office.

I also left out an important detail. The doctor told me I was supposed to do the exercise twice a day, very well, with a lot of sets at a time. The doctor said: “If you don’t do this, you’ll turn out like that man!” And then I looked in the hall to see a hunchbacked angry old man with a cane. I think I screamed, and ran out.

My fear lasted about a week. I did such a great job with the exercise for that one week. Then one night I said: “I’m kind of tired, what’s forgoing it once.” And then I did the exercise the next day. And then I stopped, for about four months. And then I started again. I don’t think I’ve done the back exercise twice a day since the first week. I also think I’ve averaged doing it about twice a week. But those two days a week I did a damn good job!

Then I went back to the back doctor to check it out. “Thaaaat’s what you’ve been doing???” she would say in her Indian accent. “Umm, yeah.” “That’s totally wrong! You’re not doing it nearly embarrassing and hilarious-looking enough!!”

So she corrected it and I started over. The same thing happened, and I’m definitely not doing the back exercise tonight because, well, I’m writing the blog. I’m not Superman.

It would appear I just spent most of my time talking about my back and ignoring the rest of my ailments. I have pretty bad vision. My vision was quite good up until freshman year of high school when out of no where I couldn’t see the board. “Can you answer this question?” the teacher would say. “What question?” So I got glasses. Then my vision progressively got worse and worse (also thanks to my mom), and at the moment I believe it is 20-800 or something insane like that. Luckily, we have laser eye surgery now! I could get my vision fixed because technology solves all problems. Unfortunately, I also have awful astigmatism. That’s okay though, because of technology! Lasik technology can work around astigmatism! Oh wait, I also have dry eyes. Upon closer inspection, laser eye surgery and dry eyes may result in blindness, or death.

I have a cast iron stomach…if by cast iron you mean I will throw up if I see something that rubs me the wrong way. But I’m far more prone to stomach aches. If I’m not at the nearest bathroom a half hour after a meal, then something went terribly wrong. I may be exaggerating just a little bit…but my point is, my estomago no es bueno. If you see me trying to go the gym within two hours after a meal, stop me, because it’s not going to be pleasant for any of us.

I’m pretty sure I tested negative for seliac and Chrone’s disease. The verdict right now is IBS…aka…irritable bowel syndrome. I still have no idea what that means. I don’t think anyone does. What it means is, my bowels suck. They get irritated easily. They don’t like to be touched, or something. They just like to sit around and read their novels in peace.

Ahhh, times running out. But so many more problems to talk about. So many problems, so little time! But when it all comes down to it, I don’t have that many problems. Everyone’s got problems. Everyone says they have problems, and I’m one of the lucky ones. Irritable bowel syndrome and stupid-back exercise ailment are nothing to be upset about. Plus, if I didn’t have these problems, I wouldn’t be that interesting. If I didn’t embarrass myself in front of people via back arches, then where would I be today? Living in a ditch somewhere probably.

Two minutes left. Yet, there’s irony here: this is probably the longest blog entry I’ve ever written, and I wrote it in the least amount of time possible. And you went along for the ride. You witnessed history, just like the Giants winning the Super Bowl. I guess it’s just so easy to talk about your problems…