The Gym

The gym is always such an interesting place. I spend so much time there anyway, I might as well analyze it. I’m not saying this to prove how ripped I am, but instead to push the point that it can be an all consuming place. I don’t even want to imagine how many hours I’ve spent at the gym. Hours I could have spent outside, doing stuff.

I may have gone to the gym twice before senior year of high school. Of course my mom demanded I have a training session, so I agreed. The guy showed me how to use the machines, and was like, “And whatever you do, dont…blah, blah, blah…or you’ll hurt your back and your shoulders.” And I’m like, “Pshhht, yeah, right…I think I can figure out how to push this bar without injuring myself.”

So here I am over five years later with back and shoulder problems. It seems every time I work out certain shoulder muscles now I feel this ominous stinging pain, even if it’s been like 2 months off; like my shoulder’s trying to say, “What do you think you’re doing…haven’t you subjected me to enough!”

Anyway, since college I’ve been a gym fiend. I went through the typical stages…I’m just going to do machines…machines are boring, let’s get to the intense stuff!..intense stuff hurts my hands, maybe I should get gloves…ah, that feels much better…but what’s the point of doing intense stuff if I don’t go all the way…hrmm, maybe I should try supplementing my gym diet with (no, not steroids) protein bars…these protein bars taste gross…oh wait, these other protein bars taste like Snickers bars!…I’m so huge now!…lifting is easy, I should start teaching other people how to lift now because it’s not even fair…wait, those protein bars have how many calories!!!…that explains why I’ve put on like 20 pounds…you know, maybe lifting by itself isn’t how you’re supposed to exercise at the gym, maybe I’m missing something…of course, cardio!…wow, cardio is really, really NOT fun…people like doing this stuff?…I wish I had my delicious protein bar right now…alright, the gym is getting kind of boring, I’m gonna take it easy for a while…OH MY GOD I haven’t been to the gym in six months!…well, at least I got ahead on my schoolwork, plus I like sleeping…OH MY GOD I haven’t been to the gym in a year! I’m gonna start going to the gym hardcore like I’ve never gone to the gym before!!!…(start entire process/paragraph over again)…my shoulder and back hurt, why didn’t anyone warn me about this.

That essentially typifies my gym experience up to this point. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I bet it exemplifies the gym cycles of a few other people. Oh, and as an update I did wear gloves for a few years, but they got sweaty and gross and now I’m all calloused up like I should be. Doesn’t that sound delicious?

But the gym is really an entity like no other. When you go there enough times it just becomes a sitcom. There’s the really buff guy who you look up to because he’s clearly wise beyond his years, but it turns out all the information he’s been feeding you over the past five months has been completely wrong, because, hey, he’s really just been using human growth hormone or secret Arnold Schwartzennegger get cut immediately syrum. There’s the girl who’s seems to be at the gym at all hours of the day, even when the gym is closed, trucking along on the same elliptical (she must be over the 30 minute limit!), who’s most certainly not anorexic. Then there’s the guy who smells really bad. There’s also the extremely “average” looking guy who pretends like he’s hot stuff…”Oh yeah, I can bench a moose.” Don’t forget the guy who’s been going to the gym for a long time, thinks he’s got it all figured out like he owns the place, and then writes a blog entry about it.

But, the truth of the matter is, I can write a solid 38 million word novel about the gym. Maybe I will someday. You can be sure to see some more blog entries about the gym in the future, because I don’t want to subject you to more than 800 words at once about my amazing biceps.

But I must say…sometimes, I just wonder what life would have been like if I had bought a Bowflex.