Got Beard?

So I was playing NBA 2K8 as the 70s All Stars West. My friend Adam was the 50s/60s All Stars. And I noticed something…almost everyone on both teams had some sort of funny-looking facial hair. Now, you may be thinking right now: “But Josh, everyone had funny facial hair back then you idiot. That’s why all the basketball players had funny-looking facial hair.” But that’s just my point. It seems as if every generation throughout history since prehistoric times primarily had facial hair. Except this generation. Earlier generations may have rebelled against the generations before them by tweaking their facial hair arrangement–”Imperial mustaches are so 10 years ago, it’s all about the Handlebar now.” Whereas today it’s like: “Facial hair is out man, it’s all about…face.”

After performing a very scientific study involving bunson burners and placebos, I came to the conclusion that we are moving further and further away from facial hair. Beards can be itchy and frequently unkempt and grisly looking. Mustaches either represent porn stars from the 60s and 70s or Confederate soldiers from the Civil War. Goatees have the word goat in it…plus they give you an extraordinarily long chin. So what’s the benefit of beards or any form of facial hair? Why don’t we just do away with it all together? Soft, smooth faces for everyone!

My beard thoughts got me thinking about a site my co-worker Adam (I don’t know people with other names) told me to go to at one point. The World Beard and Mustache Championships can provide hours upon hours of viewing pleasure. And there’s really not that much to look at. You just keep looking at the same things for a long time, because you really can’t stop. They’re fine works of art, no different than the Mona Lisa. No different I say. There’s one guy named Jack Passion (which is an awesome name worthy of some sort of secret agent), who is apparently the current champion. I mean, it’s an impressive beard, no question. But he’s 23 years old! That man is a beard growing fiend. Forget David Wright. Forget Tom Brady. Forget Lawrence Tynes even! I want to be this guy. He’s my hero.

The Internet’s a great place. I also just came upon this “beard community” site. I mean, there are a lot of stupid forums on the Internet, and plenty that should never exist, but a beard community site seems like it should be legit. I mean, there are a lot of people with beards out there. Right? But still, I find it difficult to take topics seriously such as “How to fight shedding” (do beards shed?), and “My spouse/partner complains that my whiskers feel uncomfortable on her/his face. What can I do to make my whiskers softer?” Before I go on…I hope the his/her part of the last question is in reference to a gay couple, because a woman with a beard…not attractive. Just gonna throw it out there.

I also love how you “wear” a beard. I’ve worn many a coat. I’ve also worn my fair share of hats. But I can’t remember the last time I took off my beard and hung it on the rack, only to slip back into it before I went outside.

Anyway, for those of you who’ve seen me lately, I have indeed taken up the sport of beard growing. Not for competitive purposes, though time may tell. I don’t think I’ve shed yet. It itches from time to time…I am told I sometimes get food in it…and my mustache is about 5 weeks behind the rest of my face. But it has it’s benefits, and you learn something new every day. For example, did you know when creating the cutoff line at the bottom you should make an upside down half-moon shape. It’s counter-intuitive, but still true (my barber fixed that right up). Plus, I now look like I’m at least 22 as compared to the usual twelve.

Though I must say, I’ve always enjoyed the beard, and I’m glad to at long last be joining its ranks, if only for a short while (though I think I’m getting used to it). You see, as a history major, I’ve always felt an obligation toward the beard. As I mentioned earlier, when you look in a history book, you’re gonna find beards. Some may not be pretty, but they’re there. Beards are not only something to tie us to the kooky 60s, or the Roaring 20s, or the 1840s, or the Hundred Years’ War, but even the Stone Age. So that’s why World Beard Championships are good for this world. They bring us closer to our roots.

And so I say, if monkeys aren’t shaving their beards, then I’m not shaving mine. Well that’s not true. But if a monkey wants to shave my beard, then I’ll let him.